Gettin' Naughty - Holiday Stress / Humor

The holidays have arrived, and as the song assures, “Its The Most Wonderful Time of The Year.” While I’m not too sure about the validity of that statement, I hope you enjoy my ramblings on the subject.

Thanks Giving Day: Today we have the pleasure of slaving all day in the kitchen for a bunch of ungrateful relatives you may not particularly care to dine with. In a matter of minutes, they will devour what took you days of planning and cooking. Then everyone collapses before your T.V. in a tryptophan overdose coma. Happy Thanksgiving!

Black Friday: If you like to get deals on the gifts you purchase for Christmas, you’ll wake up tomorrow before the butt-crack of dawn, and hit the stores with about a million determined shoppers willing to trample you in order to get one of those limited quantity must haves. Should you fail, no worries, it only means the kids will be disappointed and not talk to you for a good month or so. Hmm…that might actually be a plus. LOL! Welcome to the nightmare that is Black Friday.

Good times! Having fun yet? Hey, we’ve only just begun.

Christmas: There are a million and one parties and gatherings you will be expected to attend over the next month. Ah, if only it were that simple. Not only must you attend, but you have to find the perfect outfit for each event, shop for hostess gifts, and somehow manage to fit the events into your already jam-packed schedule.

In between all these lovely gatherings you have to decorate the house, and send out so many Christmas cards your taste buds will get cemented together from licking all those icky envelopes. Add in the extra challenge of the kids being out of school for two weeks. Gee, guess what? You have to find a way to entertain them. Either that or deal with the constant chorus of, “I’m Bored,” played in a voice guaranteed to grate on your last nerve.

You’ll also have to go out and get a tree, wrap all the loot you scored during the shopping marathon, and be prepared with extra gifts for those surprise holiday visitors. You know those devious people have planned way in advance who they will surprise this year. Oh, and don’t forget who celebrates which holiday—Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza…

Political Correctness: Then there’s the whole politically correct new fangled ways we are supposed to greet people over the holidays. Don’t get caught saying, “Merry Christmas!” *gasp* Doesn’t matter that we have freedom of speech and religion, this is a no-no.

One of the biggest problems with trying to be PC is the rules change all the time. I recently heard a report that Santas' in Australia are being told not to say, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” Huh? Some silly person is going to get offended and think Santa just called them a whore? No way!

Seems to me that we’ve taken the intended spirit of the whole thing right out of the celebrations. Oy vey! Next well be rewriting all the Mother Goose nursery rhymes. Hey, trust me on this one. It's bound to happen. How long has it been since you read them? Mother Goose was a violent, racist, sexist old broad!

*Sigh* I’ve digressed. Okay, wonderful holiday time. I’ll try to get back on track.

When Its Over: Just when it’s all over, you’re still not done. You’ve attended the last event, packed up all the decorations for next year, tossed the dead tree carcass to the curb, vacuumed up all the pine needles, exchanged or returned all the unwanted gifts and so on—what’s next? Eleven moths of struggling to pay of this year’s holiday season before the next one is upon us and the insanity starts all over again.

Wait! This was supposed to be not only great, but the most wonderful time of my year, right? *scratching head* When does it get good? Or was the enjoyment ever there to begin with? Sheesh, I just don’t know. As far back as I can remember the holidays stressed out my parents so it may never have been good for anyone except the kids.

I think next year I’ll disappear for the entire shebang. Go be a reclusive author and hide out in a cabin somewhere in the mountains with a sign on the gate reading, “Visitors Will Be Shot!” *evil grin*

I’m not being very politically correct again, am I? Taking a few deep breaths, indulging in some chocolate and trying to enjoy this whole holiday madness. Perhaps a few margaritas would make a difference.

I found the slice of humor below in my web surfing and have included it in the hopes that you’ll chuckle a bit at my attempt to lighten the stress by poking fun. Our holiday greetings are likely to become this way if we keep up with all this PC stuff!

*The following is PC speak for "We wish you a Merry Christmas,"

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

*And what follows here is PC speak for "and a Happy New Year!"

...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great,(not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

Legal Disclaimer: By accepting this agreement, you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of goodtidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Sincerely, (Name withheld for legal, social and cultural considerations.)

ROFL! I love it. Hold onto your sense of humor and you there's the chance you'll survive the 2007 holidays.

Makin' Time

Here we are, Monday again - but this one marks the start of a long race to the finish line - the Holiday season. Aaaaargh. For any reader with a family, children, relatives, pets, neighbors - in other words almost every one of us - this time of year is about as stressful as it gets. (With the possible exception of tax time!!) You'll probably notice a lot of good advice everywhere on how to de-stress. From inhaling a variety of herbs (not those kinds of herbs) to singing, jogging and even giving your turkey a good solid smack when you're stuffing it. (Don't ask me, although the idea has merit...!)

My advice? Go on vacation. Okay, you can stop laughing! I didn't mean packing, airline tickets or suntan lotion. I mean a mini-vacation for your mind!!! And I'm gonna tell you how to do it!!!

Step one - close your eyes. Preferably not while you're driving. Behind the wheel isn't a good place for a mini-vacation unless you're stuck in traffic or you've actually found a place to park at the mall. (That deserves a party rather than a vacation!!!)

Step two - paste a "picture" in your mind of the most beautiful place you've ever been. A beach? A mountain? Someplace quiet maybe - a field at sunset - whatever your favorite memory is. This is YOUR vacation, no one else's!

Step three - go there for a moment or two. Focus on shutting out everything around you. Push your mind to remember the sights, smells, sounds of your favorite place and take a look around inside your head. Relax your body if you can while you're doing this. Just "be" in that place for a few short minutes out of this busy day. And relaaaax...

It sounds simple - and it is. But it does require you find those few quiet seconds. The shower works, or the time before the rest of your family arrives in the kitchen. Maybe when they've gone off to work/school and before you have to leave. Perhaps even while you're waiting for that load of laundry to finish the final spin cycle. Lay all the busy-stuff to one side and just "chill" for a tiny portion of your day. It's refreshing, relaxing, re-vitalizing and can help you wade through yet another stressful pre-holiday twenty-four hours. Trust me. It does work. I do it more and more as the stores fill up, the to-do list gets longer and longer and my patience thins out to a microfilament I'm hanging on to with my back teeth.



For anyone who can't think of a memory off the top of their heads, I'm tossing out this photo for you - it's the Reid Glacier in Alaska. One of my favorite mini-vacation places. The air that day was cool and crisp, the scenery - well, spectacular doesn't do it justice - it was quiet, just the sound of the water lapping around our ship and the cry of seabirds wheeling over the stark landscape...mmmm....I'm more relaxed already. Now I can get going. Where's that pastry for the pies?

Here's hoping you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with love, laughter, family and friends. Oh yes...and some wonderful mini-vacations! No postcards required!

[Confession - sometimes I take George Clooney with me!!! Hey. It's MY vacation - why not?? Although those little trips sometimes last longer than five minutes. ;) ]