Spank That Villain! with Nathalie Gray

October 07

Spankable Factor: 90% - highly redeemable

Welcome to this very first installment of “Spank That Villain”, your monthly (hey, I’ll soon be Empress of the Galaxy in my most excellent silver gogo boots, so I’m a busy Hussy m’kay). In this here column, we’ll pull out our magnifying glasses and inspect, dissect and mull over what makes a good male villain. Male because those are the ones I find attractive, sexy, and worthy of all kinds of naughty fantasies, and yes, including a good fessée (go, my lovelies, look it up in a French/English dictionary, it’s worth it). Each column will end with the Spankable Factor, or, if that particular villains would, after a good spanking, be redeemable.

So for our first spankable villain, I present to you one of the most cunning and Machiavellian anti-heroes in English literature: Steerpike, from the novels and mini-series Gormenghast.

Ah, Steerpike. Don’t be fooled by the humble name. Oh no, for he’s one smart man. Hailing from modest beginnings as kitchen boy, Steerpike rose to fame (or infamy...hard to tell sometimes) through his intelligence and ruthlessness. But there’s more than meets the eye with this little villain. First, he isn’t evil, just very, very driven. Second, he’s learned at a young age to use people, the way he’s been used himself. Tit for tat, I guess is Steerpike’s motto. But ladies, who wouldn’t want some handsome, mysterious young thing sneaking into our room at night and whispering the most decadent things?

Through years of whisperings and backroom dealings, Steerpike went from kitchen boy (slave, in other words) to puppet master. And pulling strings is what this villain likes to do. Strings, ribbons, laces. So what is it that made this character so popular after the novels first came out in the early 1940s, then again in the 1990s with the British mini-series? Is it his cool charm, his shrewdness, his intelligence? Because unlike other spankable villains and notable anti-heroes, Steerpike is no beefcake. Yet this sleek connaisseur of all things sneaky has found his way into the hearts of many a female reader/audience member.

One can’t help but wonder if, after Steerpike fled the kitchen and its barbaric master, the man who found him had helped instead of further abuse him, our handsome young villain wouldn’t have turned out a much better person. We’ll never know. But for now, go and read the Gormenghast series by Mervyn Peake, or if, like me, you prefer visual goodness, then rent this most vivid and mind-twisting of a mini-series.

Spankable Factor: 90%, highly redeemable