The Hussies

Office Christmas Parties – Sequined Thongs, Photocopier Fun and Salmonella

What holiday season would be complete without an office or work party squeezed in there on that Friday night where you’d wanted to tackle the extra bit of house cleaning? Of course, you have to go. Wouldn’t look good if, come Monday morning, you were the only one who went on and on about that AWESOME movie at the theater on Friday, like, my gosh, was he ever sexy in that role?!

So you *have* to go. But wait! Fear not! Here at the Hussy, we thought we could crack our whip and dole out the advice. Reasonable advice? You know it won’t be. Commonsense? What’s that! Comfortable, sensible shoes? Pfft!!

In the spirit of sharing and all that, here’s some office parties advice, Hussy style:

What to Wear
That new blouse you paid too much for, the one your friend convinced you to buy, that pulls between buttons and would let the claims department guys get an eye full? Wear it, baby! Get some two-sided tape, sew it shut, staple it to the bra if you have to, but you’re going to wear that sexy thing and pretend it’s not clingy and showing just how cold you really are while you’re trying to decide if you should join the clump of smokers outside having one. And does it look good too.

Next, comes the bottom. You want something that will flatter your curves but not end up “stuck in the pulley”. So you’re going to jackhammer the idea into your skull that you want, you need that pencil skirt. The one that rides up and does a quarter turn whenever you try to sit. The one that comes with a nice cardboard-lined belt. You know what? We don’t care what the belt backing is made from! Those skirts make a great ass and usually are so tight you won’t even need to worry about panty lines.

Now for shoes. You want the sexiest, highest, most uncomfortable strappy sandals you can find. You *know* you’re not going to wear them again anyway. There goes another thirty bucks. But damn, for that one evening, you’re going to have legs up to here, beautifully cramped calves and if you’re lucky enough to have someone with a shoe fetish on staff, you’re set for drinks for the rest of the night.

Makeup
Take it from me: if ninety-five pound, pouting little nymphs in the care of professionals under perfect lighting can’t make baby blue eye shadow look good, neither will the rest of us under fluorescents. So instead of trying to convince Crayola you want to be their human billboard ad, go easy on the stuff. You’re cute as it is, who needs the rest? A bit of lip gloss, a bit of that glitter cream and BOOM, instant babe!

Having Fun
Who said you can’t sit on a photocopier to copy your butt? Huh, says who?! Granted, it’s a delicate operation, fraught with dangers. But it is possible. Okay, here’s how it’s done—I’ll deny everything if you’re caught. First, enlist the help of a friend (sober works best), and while you stand on a chair, balance your bum over the screen. Time the event carefully because if you lower the “subject” on the glass too long before your friend recuperates from giggling fits to help, your arms will give and THEN, it won’t be pretty. Smirking hospital staff pulling glass shards out of your crack is not festive. Preset the number of copies to ten (at least ten, no more than 100...think of the Rainforest). So now that you’re in position, hold your weight off on either side of the machine, gently press your backside to the glass, preferably with sequined thongs for added merriment. Your friend should then press copy right away. Voilà!

If everything goes well, you’ll be on your way to the buffet table, toasting to your awesome dorkiness with your co-conspirators and plotting for the next bit of fun in between boring speeches. Because if the photocopier was a riot, wait ’til you hear what you can do with a fax machine.

On a final note: feel good about yourself, babe. Have fun and be Hussy...erm, merry. Hey, be a Merry Hussy!