Thursday, November 22, 2007

Gettin' Naughty - Holiday Stress / Humor

The holidays have arrived, and as the song assures, “Its The Most Wonderful Time of The Year.” While I’m not too sure about the validity of that statement, I hope you enjoy my ramblings on the subject.

Thanks Giving Day: Today we have the pleasure of slaving all day in the kitchen for a bunch of ungrateful relatives you may not particularly care to dine with. In a matter of minutes, they will devour what took you days of planning and cooking. Then everyone collapses before your T.V. in a tryptophan overdose coma. Happy Thanksgiving!

Black Friday: If you like to get deals on the gifts you purchase for Christmas, you’ll wake up tomorrow before the butt-crack of dawn, and hit the stores with about a million determined shoppers willing to trample you in order to get one of those limited quantity must haves. Should you fail, no worries, it only means the kids will be disappointed and not talk to you for a good month or so. Hmm…that might actually be a plus. LOL! Welcome to the nightmare that is Black Friday.

Good times! Having fun yet? Hey, we’ve only just begun.

Christmas: There are a million and one parties and gatherings you will be expected to attend over the next month. Ah, if only it were that simple. Not only must you attend, but you have to find the perfect outfit for each event, shop for hostess gifts, and somehow manage to fit the events into your already jam-packed schedule.

In between all these lovely gatherings you have to decorate the house, and send out so many Christmas cards your taste buds will get cemented together from licking all those icky envelopes. Add in the extra challenge of the kids being out of school for two weeks. Gee, guess what? You have to find a way to entertain them. Either that or deal with the constant chorus of, “I’m Bored,” played in a voice guaranteed to grate on your last nerve.

You’ll also have to go out and get a tree, wrap all the loot you scored during the shopping marathon, and be prepared with extra gifts for those surprise holiday visitors. You know those devious people have planned way in advance who they will surprise this year. Oh, and don’t forget who celebrates which holiday—Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza…

Political Correctness: Then there’s the whole politically correct new fangled ways we are supposed to greet people over the holidays. Don’t get caught saying, “Merry Christmas!” *gasp* Doesn’t matter that we have freedom of speech and religion, this is a no-no.

One of the biggest problems with trying to be PC is the rules change all the time. I recently heard a report that Santas' in Australia are being told not to say, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” Huh? Some silly person is going to get offended and think Santa just called them a whore? No way!

Seems to me that we’ve taken the intended spirit of the whole thing right out of the celebrations. Oy vey! Next well be rewriting all the Mother Goose nursery rhymes. Hey, trust me on this one. It's bound to happen. How long has it been since you read them? Mother Goose was a violent, racist, sexist old broad!

*Sigh* I’ve digressed. Okay, wonderful holiday time. I’ll try to get back on track.

When Its Over: Just when it’s all over, you’re still not done. You’ve attended the last event, packed up all the decorations for next year, tossed the dead tree carcass to the curb, vacuumed up all the pine needles, exchanged or returned all the unwanted gifts and so on—what’s next? Eleven moths of struggling to pay of this year’s holiday season before the next one is upon us and the insanity starts all over again.

Wait! This was supposed to be not only great, but the most wonderful time of my year, right? *scratching head* When does it get good? Or was the enjoyment ever there to begin with? Sheesh, I just don’t know. As far back as I can remember the holidays stressed out my parents so it may never have been good for anyone except the kids.

I think next year I’ll disappear for the entire shebang. Go be a reclusive author and hide out in a cabin somewhere in the mountains with a sign on the gate reading, “Visitors Will Be Shot!” *evil grin*

I’m not being very politically correct again, am I? Taking a few deep breaths, indulging in some chocolate and trying to enjoy this whole holiday madness. Perhaps a few margaritas would make a difference.

I found the slice of humor below in my web surfing and have included it in the hopes that you’ll chuckle a bit at my attempt to lighten the stress by poking fun. Our holiday greetings are likely to become this way if we keep up with all this PC stuff!

*The following is PC speak for "We wish you a Merry Christmas,"

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...

*And what follows here is PC speak for "and a Happy New Year!"

...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great,(not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

Legal Disclaimer: By accepting this agreement, you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of goodtidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Sincerely, (Name withheld for legal, social and cultural considerations.)

ROFL! I love it. Hold onto your sense of humor and you there's the chance you'll survive the 2007 holidays.

6 comments:

Sahara Kelly said...

Nic, this made me howl!! And it's all soooo true!!!! I love the Holidays, but it's a good thing they only come once a year....LMAO

Deb said...

ROTFLMAO!! Nic, Bob said it is scary how you get into peoples head..*g*
All of it is so true, and yet we do it every year.

Nicole Austin said...

LOL! I'm glad y'all enjoyed it. :D

N.J.Walters said...

ROFL!

The world has gone crazy. I respect the holidays of other traditions and cultures; I expect to be able to celebrate my own as well.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! *g*

Ho! Ho!Ho!

Sally Painter said...

I want to be the first to be Politically INCORRECT...

MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I love Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's.

Ciana Stone said...

LMAO - Glad I read this AFTER Thanksgiving, AND the Christmas (er, Holiday) shopping and decorating and tree trimming.

I do have a solution for the "what to wear" to holiday events. I get ONE outfit and a name tag on which I write. I paid way too much for this dress and am determined to get a much mileage out of it as possible, so get over it.

Of course, folks who know me are actually shocked to see me in a dress - any dress, so they keep their comments to gossiping behind my back (snicker). Suits me. I figured life should be like the Bonnie Raitt song "Let's give 'em something to talk about."

Cheers (now how PC is that???)