Friday, February 08, 2008

The Bikini Line – It’s War Baby!

What woman doesn’t do a quick checkup down there when someone invites them to go swimming? What are we checking for, ladies? Hair. How much of it and can we get away for this one time and not have to deal with it. Take it from a dark-haired woman, the bikini line at my house, it’s war. A woman has several strategies and weapons at her disposal to get rid of unwanted hair. Wax, shave, tweeze, acceptance. And my favorite...

The flamethrower.

Let’s take them one by one, shall we, and end with an uproarious sketch from the UK. It’s irreverent and so funny, I woke the menfolk when I viewed it for the first time last night.

There’s the hard wax, the cold wax, the hot wax, the waxed strips, ad nauseam. Then there’s the epitome of waxing, the Wax Job To End All Wax Jobs. You know the one. Its mere name makes ladies tremble with fear and gents rub their hands in anticipation: The Brazilian Wax Job. Can you say ouch? Nah. Can you say “HOLY-FUCKINGCOWMAN-THATHURTSLIKEABITCH!” But. There’s always a but. Even if a user doesn’t go all the way to Brazil bikini line-wise, there’s still some good in the technique. One, the hair, it won’t come back for a while and will tell all its friends about the horrific demise of its predecessors. And two, it leaves the skin smooth. And that’s a fact.

Against the grain on the legs, with the grain for the bikini line. That’s how I’ve been taught. It works for quick fixes, when you have a hot date but enough hair on your legs to rip holes in your jeans. You know the Grizzly Bear Look. Not sexy (in this household). It’s pretty much painless if you have a good razor. If Gilette didn’t test their stuff on animals, I’d totally go for their Venus line. But nah. I keep wondering what poor rabbit walked around with a Mohawk in the making of those razors. So it's the cheap no name brands for this Hussy.

If you have the time, it’s much like waxing, but you spread the “joy” over several hours, even days if you have a full-time job and a place to be. But tweezing does make for very precise bikini lines since one can literally choose which hair goes and which hair gets to stay and live another day. Trivia: did you know tweezers were around even 10,000 years ago? During an Iranian archeological search in the 1970s, they discovered tools and jewels and among these, tweezers.

Basically, the technician sticks a thin metal conductor into the follicle and zaps the hair. Electrocution. It can be a bit, well, not painful, but there’s some discomfort involved. But you have to go back about ten thousand times before you see a difference and the home kits aren’t worth shit. Some ladies swear by it as long-term investment in hairlessness. I just see the electrode and I’m outta there. Sorry, I *do* want to tame that bikini line and not look like Yogi the Bear, but I’m not going to let someone stick electrified needles in my pores.

Lastly, the flamethrower...

Well, you want to look gorgeous poolside or not?!

I leave you with this UK sketch that’s so funny and irreverent, it even might offend a couple people. But then again, we’re all Hussies here, aren’t we? We’re not afraid of a little public hair. Erm, I mean, pubic hair.


Ciana Stone said...

OMG! That video is too funny, gross but funny. Body hair is SUCH an issue isn't it? We want that sleek and soft, hairless look but hate what we have to do to achieve it.

Oh and Nat, when you've fully tested the flamethrower method and have it perfected, let me know. Until then I'll stick with the old-fashioned method - straight razor. Yeah, laugh and cringe all you want, but a sharp straight razor gives the best shave of all. You just have to be VERY careful.

And the benefit to learning to use one of these bad girls is that unless you're headed onto an airplane, you'll well armed and skilled.

I love dual benefits :)

N.J.Walters said...

Man can go to the moon, yet no one has found a painless, permanent way to remove unwanted body hair. *Sigh*

My body chemistry changed about 20 years ago after I started and stopped taking birth control pills. The unwanted side effect was more body hair in certain areas.

I'm with Ci. Let me know when you've perfected the flamethrower method. Until then, I'll keep on using my razor.

Nicole Austin said...

Whaa, I can't see the video, darn it. I wonder who started this whole thing of removing it. Yes, it makes for softer, sexier skin but ugh! I think the men should remove their body hair too, espeically groin hair! I want equality!!! *g*