Thursday, February 07, 2008

Gettin' Naughty - Oral Skills

Ci opened up the subject of communication between the sexes. Of course, I have to give this a naughty twist and discuss sexual communication.

We all know that communication in any relationship is vital and that men and women tend to speak different a different language, but did you know good sexual communication is especially important. Communication builds trust and openness. Good sexual communication takes the initial foundation of chemistry and adds solid supports for building a strong, lasting relationship. Sexual talk can also be exciting!

For many people, sex is the hardest thing to talk about. Why? There are many reasons from lack of practice and discomfort to cultural and language or even religious differences. Add in the inherent difficulties in translating what is being said between men and women and it may appear to be impossible.

If you can’t communicate your desires, needs and satisfaction to your lover it can affect your entire relationship. You have to put aside the lessons drilled into your head while growing up and establish open dialogue with your partner. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed to express what feels good and what doesn’t. How else is your lover to know unless he’s a skilled mind reader?

The language you use is important. You must develop a common set of terms agreeable to you both—ones that neither finds embarrassing, distasteful or silly. I can’t tell you how many erotic romance books I’ve read where the heroine has a difficult time with certain words that have a negative connotation to her. Be aware of how your partner reacts and responds to different words. Instead of forcing the issue, find words you can both be comfortable saying aloud.

Keep it simple and ask questions that allow only a yes or no answer. You can do this during sex or afterward. Of course, before making it into the bedroom is when you need to discuss safe sex and contraception! I find during sex to be the best time to talk about sex and get feedback without putting your partner on the spot.

Do something and ask if he likes it. Ask if it feels good, if he prefers a firmer or lighter touch. Find out if he enjoys a faster or slower pace. Wait for his answer before moving on to something else to avoid confusion and setbacks.

Be honest in stating your likes, dislikes, wants and needs! Listen with an open mind to his preferences. Take note of body language as it often speaks louder than words.

Criticism in the bedroom is a major turnoff. Do not lapse into negative comments as these will only increase the tension. Men are especially susceptible to criticism of their performance. Again, simple is best. Praise him when he does something that feels good. Get verbal—monosylabic moans of pleasure are a great way to express pleasure.

When you begin to understand what each other enjoys through a shared vocabulary, trust and openness will develop. This helps decrease self-conscious hang ups when you want to ask your partner to do something specific or to stop doing something unpleasant. Being aware of what gives your partner pleasure allows you to indulge him, and establishes those things you are not interested in engaging in by exposing boundaries and limits.

Once you’ve opened the door, sharing your sexual likes and dislikes will be a little easier each time until expressing yourself sexually becomes second nature. The more relaxed and open you are, the easier it will be for him to follow suit. With just a little bit of effort, you will both benefit in the long run.


Sally Painter said...

Great advice, Nic! Amazing how keeping the lines of communication open can make life so easy!

N.J.Walters said...

Excellent advice, Nic. Good communication is the key between a couple.

Deb said...

Nic, You always nail some awesome topics.
Open lines between partners is what makes a happy couple. To be able to let your lover you what you would like and have them listen is amazing.

TK Winters said...

Great topic, Nic! I think learning to be open and talk about what you like and ask for your needs can open the door for your partner to feel comfortable doing the same.

Nicole Austin said...

Thanks, y'all! I'm glad you're enjoying my posts.

Ciana Stone said...

Well Nic, you naughty hussy, you've done it again. I swear you should be an advice columnist because you're always dead on the money AND interesting to boot.

What a hussy!

Thanks Nic. I look forward to your post every week!!

Nicole Austin said...

Thanks, Ci! I'm glad you're enjoying my posts.