Monday, March 17, 2008

Bug Appeal and Sex Repellant

We all try to get it right. The whole exercise - diet - attitude - personality thing. I'm right on board with all of these.

I exercise. I get out of bed in the mornings, which counts as a weight bearing exercise. I cut my own toenails, which doubles as yoga.

Diet? Definitely. Chocolate is a food group, I like yogurt and Fig Newtons aren't really cookies. Yep, I'm on board with the diet thing.

Attitude? I'm a very positive person. I'm positive my body will collapse if it's not clasped in the embrace of something snug and engineered by Ph.D.'s specializing in structural physics.

Personality? Hmm. That's harder to assess, but overall nobody's actually taken a shot at me yet. Which augurs well for a check mark in the plus column.

Problem is? I'm not sure any of us are totally capable of judging our own sex appeal. Suppose the dudes I meet don't like Fig Newtons. Are they going to be repelled by the package and a half I have in my handbag? Maybe Mr. Wonderful wants to take me out for a three mile run. (I'll go along, but in the pace car. I will carry water in case he needs it, of course.)

Looking in the mirror isn't the best way to judge our personalities or ourselves, I'm thinking. All we see is a woman who doesn't meet the current requirements for "Hubba Hubba" - i.e. a woman with more than a twenty two inch waist and less than three miles of legs. A woman for whom a thong represents the human equivalent of a cheese slicer and is about as comfortable. Looking in the mirror can be pretty damn depressing at times, especially on a Monday morning when everything seems to have sagged a helluva lot more than it did on Friday.

Yep, Mondays are days when we know the best we can hope for is to attract a few bugs. It's not the most sexually appealing moment in our week.

My advice? Hide the mirrors on Sunday nights. Then greet the world on Monday with a smile, regardless of the fact that the fairies have turned your hair into Medusa-like snakes and somebody stole your thighs and replaced them with cottage cheese. Don't use the mirror to evaluate your sex appeal, use the warmth of the smiles on your friends' faces. Because no matter how slender your waist, how perky your boobs or how long your legs, if there isn't a smile topping it all, you won't get a smile back.

To me (the one with no waist to speak of and a pack of Fig Newtons) a few bugs are bound to crop up now and again. I'll swat 'em. I'll shrug at my appallingly bad habits. I'll bypass the mirrors and drag out my comfortable sweatpants instead of those snug jeans. Then I'll head out to run my errands - and I'll accessorize with the sexiest thing I have - a smile.

And you know what? It works.

Just to be on the safe side, if you're having difficulty with finding that smile this morning, here's a wee reminder. Even the most professional of models and the most carefully planned fashion shows can go wrong. And by God it's bloody hysterical when they do!!!! Watch this video and go smile today!!!!


Ciana Stone said...

LMAO!! That video was priceless. Just goes to show that looking good doesn't prevent a person from falling on their face - or ass as the case may be - or being remembered as "you know the one in blue that walked off the runway?"

Yehaw for smiles being our biggest tool for beauty. I'm on board with that - well as long as I have my teeth :)

N.J.Walters said...

OMG I love the thong represetnts a a cheese slicer. And Fig Newtons aren't really cookies. Everyone knows that. *g*

Great blog!

*NJ smiling*

Shelley Munro said...

Loved the video :)
Sahara, so that's where I went wrong yesterday. I should have hidden the mirror!

What I like best about smiles is that they're catchy. If you smile at a stranger mostly they'll smile back. Of course that could be dangerous if said stranger reads more into the smile than you intended, but that's a different post!

Rachel.C said...

Who can see my smile? I'm bent over holding my sides hoping they don't split open I'm laughing so much.
Great advice. A smile is contagious we should all be spreading it around.