The Hussies

Whatever You Do, Aim For The...


• This week is all about being good to yourself. And ladies, with the barrage of images out there telling us we need to fix, pluck, tuck, and suck in, smoothen, straighten, flatten, and lengthen, we all know how hard it can be. But self-confidence in and out of your skin or your bedroom will only get you so far. You need to protect yourself first!
  
  Oh, what’s she rambling about now, this crazy hussy, you groan?
  
  I’m talking about the physical confidence that comes from walking tall after you get off a bus late at night, or getting to a party where there’s already a crowd and a dozen pairs of eyeballs staring and you acting as if it doesn’t make a lick of difference, or listening to your intuition when it’s telling you that creep at the office has a collection of panties stolen from coworkers and he’s after your cottony goodness.
  
  But I digress.
  
  Fact: the vast majority of victims of violent crimes are women. Sad but true.
  
  But how do I acquire that sort of self-confidence, you wonder? Well, I’m glad you asked! I’ve built a list of tips to keep your inner (and outer) Hussy safe and feeling fresh. Oops, sorry, wrong tip.
  
  In no order whatsoever except that they look good with them fancy little bullets on the side, Nathalie’s tips to a safe Hussy are:

• Get a chainsaw. Don’t forget the fuel, baby...nothing worse than running out when you’re about to let a robber know that, no, not only can he NOT get your purse, he stands to lose any part of himself that touches you too.


• Not into power tools? No problem. Machetes make excellent attitude adjustors.


• Don’t let the baddie take you to the second location. You hear that one everywhere, but it’s for realz...you pull a passive resistance move on him and drop to the ground. No way the baddie can pick you up, work the car door, and keep an eye on both your hands, which by now should be busy rearranging his family jewels.


• Say no. Sounds simple? How many women you know who can say “no” without anything else tagged to it? We always want to say why, and how come, and maybe next time. Practice it. Say NO. Although a well-placed “Just what you think you’re doing, Tarzan?! Hell NO!” works just as well.


• That you’re a petite femme or a Valkyrie, in this instance, size doesn’t matter. If you walk like you mean business and you project self-confidence, chances are, baddies will pick on someone else. Don’t look like a victim.


• Baddies can be chicks, too. Next time one gets in your face, offer her new batteries for her playthings, because *obviously* she needs it.


• Follow your gut.

In the words of personal security specialist and author, Gavin de Becker, “When free of judgment, we inherently respect the intuition of others. Sensing that someone else is in that special state of assessing hazard, we are alerted, just as when we see the cat or dog awaken suddenly from a nap and stare into a dark hallway.”

And in my own humbler, less eloquent, or even coherent, words, “Remember: whatever you do, aim for the (eye)balls.”