Saturday, October 20, 2007

    Whatever You Do, Aim For The...

  • This week is all about being good to yourself. And ladies, with the barrage of images out there telling us we need to fix, pluck, tuck, and suck in, smoothen, straighten, flatten, and lengthen, we all know how hard it can be. But self-confidence in and out of your skin or your bedroom will only get you so far. You need to protect yourself first!

    Oh, what’s she rambling about now, this crazy hussy, you groan?

    I’m talking about the physical confidence that comes from walking tall after you get off a bus late at night, or getting to a party where there’s already a crowd and a dozen pairs of eyeballs staring and you acting as if it doesn’t make a lick of difference, or listening to your intuition when it’s telling you that creep at the office has a collection of panties stolen from coworkers and he’s after your cottony goodness.

    But I digress.

    Fact: the vast majority of victims of violent crimes are women. Sad but true.

    But how do I acquire that sort of self-confidence, you wonder? Well, I’m glad you asked! I’ve built a list of tips to keep your inner (and outer) Hussy safe and feeling fresh. Oops, sorry, wrong tip.

    In no order whatsoever except that they look good with them fancy little bullets on the side, Nathalie’s tips to a safe Hussy are:

  • Get a chainsaw. Don’t forget the fuel, baby...nothing worse than running out when you’re about to let a robber know that, no, not only can he NOT get your purse, he stands to lose any part of himself that touches you too.

  • Not into power tools? No problem. Machetes make excellent attitude adjustors.

  • Don’t let the baddie take you to the second location. You hear that one everywhere, but it’s for realz...you pull a passive resistance move on him and drop to the ground. No way the baddie can pick you up, work the car door, and keep an eye on both your hands, which by now should be busy rearranging his family jewels.

  • Say no. Sounds simple? How many women you know who can say “no” without anything else tagged to it? We always want to say why, and how come, and maybe next time. Practice it. Say NO. Although a well-placed “Just what you think you’re doing, Tarzan?! Hell NO!” works just as well.

  • That you’re a petite femme or a Valkyrie, in this instance, size doesn’t matter. If you walk like you mean business and you project self-confidence, chances are, baddies will pick on someone else. Don’t look like a victim.

  • Baddies can be chicks, too. Next time one gets in your face, offer her new batteries for her playthings, because *obviously* she needs it.

  • Follow your gut.
In the words of personal security specialist and author, Gavin de Becker, “When free of judgment, we inherently respect the intuition of others. Sensing that someone else is in that special state of assessing hazard, we are alerted, just as when we see the cat or dog awaken suddenly from a nap and stare into a dark hallway.”

And in my own humbler, less eloquent, or even coherent, words, “Remember: whatever you do, aim for the (eye)balls.”


3 comments:

Ciana Stone said...

ROFLAMO Nat! What great advice. And delivered with such flair and grace :)

My number one pick .. chainsaw. Yeah, bring it on baby. A big ol Poulan that sounds like a Harley engine. Oh that gets my motor running.

I'm with you, Nat. One sure target to aim for if you want to effect a sure escape.

Thanks for the tips!!

Nicole Austin said...

Great tips! I have a tazer. One of the older ones that you can hold up, press the button and watch a pretty blue flash of lighting surge between the probes. Oh yeah, baby. It makes a very scary electrical noise too. When I worked at the bar serving drinks, that bad boy was in my hand when I walked out to my car at night. One push of the button and nobody was coming anywhere near me. *BWEG*

Dani said...

Great ideas Nathalie! Love the chainsaw and machete too!

Don't forget the SING method from the movie Miss Congeniality which was Solar plexes, Instep, Nose, Groin. I have always remembered that too for some reason. Also, go for the eyes. LOL