Saturday, January 19, 2008

  • Hussy in Danger!
    Women continue to outnumber men nine to one as victims of assault by a spouse or partner. WTF?! Hussies, we're in danger. Look at those stats from Canada, considered a safe country, and try to imagine the numbers from countries where it's okay to gang-rape a woman to "punish" her of having been raped. Okay, that reasoning? Totally messed up.

  • In 1996 half of all family homicides involved spouses

  • Between 1977 and 1996, three times as many women were killed by their spouses as were men killed by their spouses

  • Girls are at greatest risk of sexual assault by a family member while between 12 and 15 years of age

  • In 1996 nine of ten crimes committed against older adults by family members were physical assaults

We can't let that continue here, because dude, it's just not right. So my inner Chihuahua, she's putting on her camo headband, donning her studded collar and cracking her knuckles. Because here at Hussies Central, we care about you, and we want you to be safe.

To every attack, there are countless counterattacks. We'll separate them into two categories (verbal and physical) since not everyone is physically able to lay the smack down on the attacker. But we can ALL tell him what's on our mind. Let's call him The Asshole.

The Asshole invades your personal space, imposes on you uninvited physical contact, acts as if he owns everything in sight? We've all met that particular brand of assholes. Fear not, here's a way to deal with him.
The next time he gets in your face, look confident, avoid confrontation if possible, but if it's not or you've just had enough (my inner Chihuahua is rubbing her paws), wait until there are people within earshot then loudly exclaim "My God, man! Put that back in your pants! Eww!"

There are several types of attacks, just as there are several types of Assholes. One of the most common forms of assholliness takes place in drinking establishments. Put alcohol and jerks in the same place, and BAM, instant Asshole. But here at the Hussies, we know how to make them cry for their mommies. Examples of dialogue:

Asshole: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”

Hussy: “It’s in the phone book.”

A: “But I don’t know your name.”

H: “That’s in the phone book too.”


A: “Your place or mine?”

H: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”


A: “Is this seat empty?”

H: “Yes, and this one will be, too, if you sit down.”


A: “So what do you do for a living?”

H: “I’m a female impersonator.”


A: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”

H: “Yeah! Let’s pock up some chicks!”


A: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”

H: “Yes, but would you stay there?”

The following is a list, by no means exhaustive or complete, of ways to physically deal with The Asshole. Try a few on a willing friend, you'll see, they work!

  1. the nutcracker: self-explanatory, any protuberance will do (elbow, knee, hand, foot, etc)

  2. throat jab: use anything and drive it under the Asshole's chin. Don't stay to watch him turn blue, even if it's highly amusing and satisfying on a deep, animal level

  3. the nose job: strike the heels of your palms one against the other. Hard, eh? Now imagine if you were to strike The Asshole right under the nose...

  4. elbow grease: the elbow is the strongest point in your body. No need to be an athlete, pay for fancy training or be 6'3". Just use some elbow power and make him see stars

  5. my feet are killing me: use the frustration of countless hours in your life lost waiting in line, chasing the kids at the mall, enduring conversations with people you cared nothing about but was too polite to do anything about it. You kick him. I don't care where. But he gets in your face? You kick him. Hard. Use those heels that are killing your feet. Chunky heels? Even better. Stilettos? Precision kicking baby

To recap, here are two easy tips
Got something pointy? Jab something soft (keys = belly, pen = eyeball, etc)
Got something hard? Hit something bony (umbrella = hands, shoe = face)

Believe it or not, there's a book out there on how to deal with Assholes. Yes! The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't, Robert Sutton. I know what's on MY birthday wish list!

I now leave you with the following video featuring Jim Carrey performing his famous self-defense sketch. Watch and learn, grasshopper, and most importantly, remember: a confident Hussy is a safe Hussy!

1 comment:

Ciana Stone said...

Thanks Nat! I practiced the moves from the video :)And uh, remind me to take YOU with me whenever I need to step out. You're more lethal than all the kick-ass dudes put together!