The Hussies

If You’re Not Worth a Good Laugh, You’re Not Worth Much

That’s a French adage I firmly believe in. So in the spirit of having a good laugh at my expense (hey, I’m a writer, my skin is like titanium plating), I’d like to share my few bumbling steps in English, the lovely language I learned at 18 about, well, exactly 18 years ago, when I joined the military. If someone would’ve told me then that I’d not only be able to hold a conversation but to write books in English, I would’ve smacked them upside the head for making fun of me. But I can hold conversation (notwithstanding the accent, mind you) and I do write in English.

For those who’ve had to learn another language as an adult, you *know* how hard it is. You have to force your face into different ways, do things with your tongue you never knew you could (hey, that’s always a bonus right?) and give up on your dignity for the first year. I made mistakes that would curl up your toes. I’ve listed the most outrageous, along with a list of words that I still have trouble with.

First of all, in the French language, we don’t have the “th” sound. When I see “the”, to me it registers as “de”. Same for initial “h” words like hotel (which I pronounce the same way as apple, otel). Second, French people speak fast. Because I’m stubborn and didn’t want to slow down to learn, I’d launch into incomprehensible rapid-fire English that probably sounded like an alien language. Everything time the phone would ring at work, I’d run the other way.

One of the biggest faux pas I did learning English was get confused between a very innocuous word and another, lets say, less polite word. It went something like this:

At work, in the hangar where everybody hangs out before the actual start of the day. Lots of people, all guys, all English. Me the only gal, the only French. Fun.
Sergeant Boss: “Hey, Nat, you’re late. Why?” (he was always succinct, that man).
Me: “Oh, Sarge, I was driving to work but when I turned into the back road, there was a sound under my truck. I stopped to look. I think I hit a skank. And my truck still stinks.”

Did you know it’s possible for a man to laugh so hard he farts? Yes. My boss did. I had to wait a good, oh what, five minutes while everyone was rolling on the floor for one of them to explain to me what I’d said. Oh dear. So that day, I learned the difference between skunk and skank. Not the same.

Here’s a list of words that make my inner Chihuahua want to chew her leg off:

Skunk - skank

Kitchen - chicken (always get these two mixed up)

Version - virgin (oh yeah, there’s another good story with that one)

Horror - whore (“Wanna see a whore movie, Bob?” “Hell yeah!”)

Dog - Doug - dug (all sounds the same to me and comes out the same as well)

Collar - color (I say “koh-ler”, I know, makes no sense)

How - ow (“Ow are you?”)

Poo - pew (yeah, in church, me, I sit on a poo)

Through - true - thru (all comes out sounding like what a parakeet would say...TRROOO!)

That gives you an idea how much fun it is for a true anglophone to speak with me. There’s a lot of “Excuse me? What did you say?” And because I always sound as if my life will end in the next minute and I have to finish that conversation before I diiiiie, add the rapid-fire element, and talking with me is pretty fun. I like to think.
Next time you deal with someone who can’t master that beautiful language that is English, have a bit of patience and please, if she says she hit a skank with her truck, don’t call the police right away...