The Hussies

Red Patent Leather Makes Excellent Spanking Material!

Move over Joker. Make way Agent Smith. To start 2008 with a bang, I chose a villain so, well, erm, *vile*, so odious and despicable yet undeniably alluring that it’ll leave you frantically reaching for anything close at hand to give him a good spanking. Because he’s been a bad, baaaaad boy and deserves it. Hell, even the fly swatter will do! His name is Top Dollar. Remember him? I’ll give you a hint.

Think long black hair, a tendency to kill anyone who argues with him and a super sexy voice. And I mean seriously SEXY voice, not just the old deep, suave voice here. Oh no! I’m talking industrial-grade, gravel-and-velvet, make-you-fan-yourself-hot, devilishly OMGDUDE voice of Michael Wincott. He could read a list of crusty foot ailments and it still would sound wickedly sexy. Damn.

Remember the movie The Crow, the one with Brandon Lee? I liked the series too, mind you, there was some seriously delicious dudement in there in Marc Dacascos. But, alas, there was a shortage of Top Dollar. Getit? Getit? Dollar?

Anyway.

Well, in this 1994 movie directed by Alex Proyas, Top Dollar is a power-hungry tyrant who does drugs and uses people as doormats. Charming, yes? Another run-of-the-mill villain? He has the sycophants, the questionable wig, the Asian femme fatale de rigueur sprawled on his conference table. Yaaawwwwnnn, right? Ah-HA! That’s where the comparisons end, my lovelies. Because Top Dollar is in a caliber all his own. Want some visual proof? Watch the following video, courtesy of YouTube. But spare yourself the bad heavy metal music and other cringe-inducing footage of cardboard thugs arming their fake guns and scroll to minute 1:20, where Top Dollar laments how the good old times of setting cities to fire and the sword has become such a cliché.

“Greed is for amateurs. Disorder. Chaos. Anarchy…now that’s fun!”

No one but him could say that line without sounding like an utter buttnoid. Top Dollar can, and look good doing it.

Because women, we want to fix bad guys and make them all better, I think Top Dollar would make a particularly fine subject for Spank That Villain Boot Camp. What about a couple of weeks polishing stilettos with a toothbrush? Or mandatory foot massages while wearing a purple sequined thongs (him, not me!)? Give him to me for a few days, I’ll spank some good into him, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Mmm.

But let me get serious here for a short bit.

I’ve chatted with women who’ve lived with abusive men, and many of them mentioned the “fixing” part. Is it a genes thing? Do we forget our own safety because we’re so convinced we can make it all better? Is it denial, fear, love, arrogance? What? I honestly can’t relate to this, so I can only pass along what I’ve heard from women I've met. And please, correct me if I'm wrong.

Me, the guy who’d lay a hand on me better make it a good shot, because come hell or high water, I’m have his balls on a platter with the fancy toothpicks. The ones with the frilly plastic ribbons. That or a size ten boot thread in the ass. Nothing, nothing gets my blood pressure higher than hearing about domestic violence. Because I was raised in a household where the ruler was five-feet eight and two-hundred plus pounds (sorry mom!) of thunderous French Canadian mama, I don’t understand battered women syndrome. My own limitations, I know. But these folks here know about it and can explain it better than I ever could. Go there and be enlightened.

http://www.mamashealth.com/abuse/bwomensyndrome.asp

Anyway, back to yummy Top Dollar. Throw in a red patent leather poodle necklace, maybe a riding crop and a pair of handcuffs (fuzzy and pink, OF COURSE, baby!), and I’m happy. Now if the emaciated chick could just get out of the screenshots, my fantasy would be complete. Where’s the remote?

Spankable factor:

From the Crazy Hussy, erm, I mean, the Lethal Hussy, have a great 2008. See you next Saturday.