The Monday Workout

We all know a workout is good. Sadly, for a lot of us, the spirit is willing but the flesh is deplorably weak. So here’s my suggestion to get your Monday off to a healthy start.

Step 1. Go out on Sunday and buy one of those “Look Three Sizes Slimmer” undergarments.

Step 2. After your Monday shower, remove it from the package. It will look like something resulting from the cross-breeding of an Ace bandage with a bag of elastic bands. Don’t worry, this is how it’s supposed to look.

Step 3. Put it on.

Here’s the workout part. First, put both feet through the leg holes. Yes, they are there, they look like funnels, but if you wiggle your toes you’ll find the right places sooner or later. Remove the bits that catch on your toenails and work until both bare feet are actually touching the floor. Now bend at the knees, grasp the garment at both sides and try to stand up, drawing it with you.

Try again. And again - until you can actually achieve something resembling a vertical stance. (Feel the burn in your thighs? Good.) You’re hobbled, so remember staggering uses calories. Grab the towel and make sure every part of your lower body is completely dry. Any moisture will double your workout - it’s up to you if you want to sweat that much. Now ease upward once more, remembering that this is supposed to reach your crotch at some point during the exercise session. How long this will take is a function of your leg length multiplied by your patience limitations minus the cling factor of the rubber along your thighs.

Breathe here. Holding your breath isn’t recommended until you’ve actually reached the crotch. Now you can suck it in because it has to go over your stomach and continue upward until it’s somewhere close to the base of your bra. Yes, it will stretch that far. But it needs encouragement. You can now use your biceps, triceps, forceps or whatever ceps will get the job done.

Breathe again. Blue isn’t your color at this time of day.

Now close your eyes and envision a Sumo wrestler readying himself for a fight. Lift one leg high in the air at an angle of ninety degrees to your body, stretch it and thump it down onto the floor. Repeat with the other leg and continue until you’re sort of wearing the entire thing and most of it is almost where it’s supposed to be. Wiggling is good (uses the glutes) and removes the wedgie. You’re now up to about a thousand workout calories - good going. If you’re lucky, this will end the first session. If not, continue wiggling, stomping (and cursing) until you’re encased in a lovingly clinging wrap of engineered slimming bliss.

The workout will continue to keep your metabolism high during the day as you fidget to roll the waistband back up around your torso, remove the bits stuck in your butt and correct the placement of the thigh bands. Going to the bathroom more than once while wearing this garment will result in an additional metabolic burn of approximately five hundred calories - depending on the size of the stall and how badly you have to go.

Does it work? Well, the first two sizes you sweat off while attempting to put the darn thing ON. The third? Personally, I didn’t notice my behind “lifted and shaped”, but then again I don’t look at my ass that much. (Too depressing.) I could, however, zip up my jeans without lying down and nearing asphyxiation. Definitely a plus.

It’s not a ten-mile run, of course. Or even twenty minutes on the treadmill. But for those of us who think running is cruelty to breasts, and the treadmill nothing but an endless road to nowhere - well hell! We’ll take the elastic torture garment regime any day. Now where did I put my shoehorn? I have to take it OFF tonight…

Next week: A look at the physics behind the “reed” in flutes and its usefulness as applied to farting a middle C while wearing a thong.